Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ellipticals are retarded

Ok, so the title was a little harsh. It was meant to be; this week has sucked pretty bad so I feel like insulting things I don't like.

Ellipticals serve two purposes. One, they are excellent tools for people with injuries -- both for rehab and for maintaining
some degree of fitness when running just isn't an option. Two, they help people who are significantly overweight make progress towards fitness by reducing the impact stress that running causes for these people.

They are not meant to be means of continued physical fitness or improvement. First of all, they are about the most un-primal "fitness device" in existence. I challenge anyone to come up with a real-life situation where anyone would move their legs in the exact same motion for any extended period of time. Even when you're walking, hiking, or running, each step is slightly different -- based on the terrain, how fast you're going, and what direction (are you running in a straight line for 3 miles or are you turning corners?). Minute differences, like a tree root or rock in your path, are going to affect your stride.

The "impact stress" is part of running. The elliptical wasn't invented until 2004, so people somehow managed to get and stay fit without them for most of human history. Besides, our ancient ancestors found a way to deal with the "impact stress" of running, so you can too.

"But I can't read my chemistry textbook when I'm running on a treadmill!"
If you're capable of reading and comprehending anything other than a book written for elementary school children, you aren't going hard enough. Period. Do you really think that raising your heartrate by 5-10bpm for 4 hours is actually doing anything for you?


This is a really stereotypical statement, but I feel like being an asshole right now, so I'm going to go ahead with it. People who use ellipticals are usually the most un-primal people ever. Victims to the latest fitness craze, they meticulously count calories, read ingredients (especially the fat/saturated fat content), and follow up their fake cardio session with whatever workout is being touted in this month's issue of their favorite fitness magazine. They probably have a rather large stockpile of those ridiculous 100-calorie-pack snacks (never mind the outrageous amounts of sugar in most of them!), fat-free yogurt cups (most of those have HFCS in them), and assorted products found in the "sports nutrition" aisle of the grocery store. Often, they're also females between the ages of 18 and 35 who have spent no less than $50 making sure they have the most stylish, chic, color-coordinated outfit at the gym.

Women can be such fucking retards...

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